Beyond the Laughing Sky part 8

"Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the annual chance to see great victories and even greater defeats!  A time for a brave few to risk their reputations for a chance to pioneer the next wave of airship technology!"

"More like risk their necks, you mean.  I haven't seen a bunch so eager to make fools of themselves since we last saw that bear attempting to tell jokes."

"Look on the bright side; at least we're out of the theater."

"Even better, the bear isn't!"

"Doh ho ho ho ho!"

No one was quite sure how the two old gentlemen had gotten the job of being the radio announcers for the airship rally.  They had been doing it since the first rally, and while every year there were those who believed they should be fired (mostly the pilots, who got very tired of being disparaged and heckled) they proved to be so popular with the audience that they were rumored to have lifetime contracts which would guarantee them a job every year for as long as there was a rally.  People presumed it was similar in nature to whatever deal they had struck with the owner of a popular theatre that guaranteed them prime balcony seats every week, despite the fact they were forever heckling the acts.

Whatever the reason, even the pilots weren't too bothered by the old men, if only because they were all occupied with last-minute details and checklists and repairs.  Which was probably a good thing, because if they had been listening they would have been distracted or disheartened.  Or disqualified after they tried to storm the announcer's booth with a wrench or some other instrument, bent on doing harm.  Three had been ousted from the rally last year for this reason, and a fourth would have joined them if his co-pilot hadn't had the brilliant idea to sit on his captain until his temper cooled.  It had cost the pilot some dignity and the co-pilot some of his hearing temporarily (his pilot had quite a set of lungs) but they'd ended up making a good showing and coming in third.

"As for the idiots involved, of course we have all the usual suspects, but there are a few new dunderheads who have decided to join in.  To give you all some of the highlights—"

"Lowlights."

"—of our contestants, we're going to go to our man—and we use that term loosely—on the ground, who will soon be airborne himself as he will be jetting along with the contestants to keep us informed throughout the race."

"How'd we talk him into that one?"

"Who cares?  At least it isn't us!"

"Doh ho ho ho!"

"Anyway, let's hear what he has to say.  Now which of these confounded buttons do I push again?  And why do I have to do it?  Where's that whippersnapper who's supposed to do all this nonsense for us?  Oh, here we go, I think this is the right—"

"Hi ho, Kermit the Frog here!  I'm here down in the middle of the action as all our contestants get ready for the rally.  I don't have to tell you that it's all excitement and hustle and bustle here as everyone's doing their last-minute preparations.  Of course, everyone is excited to see Professor Porter's new model Tranquility, piloted as always by ace flyer Peter Pan.  And naturally everyone is also curious about how this all will play out against Peter's archrival the Captain, whose own ship the Jolly Roger has seen some improvements since last race, including what looks like some harpoon cannons in addition to the regular variety with cannonballs.  Is that even allowed?"

Not in the strictest sense, but it was common (if not loudly voiced) knowledge that as long as it kept people entertained and didn't damage any landmarks that the racers were allowed to do pretty much whatever they liked.  To put it succinctly and in the most cliché sense possible: The first rule of airship rally was that there were no rules.  And no, of course the first rule wasn't "don't talk about airship rally."  With all the money generated for the city and sponsors because of it the motto was more "talk about airship rally as much as bloody possible."

"Never mind the rules, greenie, just keep on with the commentary."

"Yeah, some of us are trying to nap here."

"Oh.  Well, moving on, we also have something of an experiment going on.  Doctor Doppler, one of the noted Eccentric Inventors, along with funding from Squire Trelawney, have entered two ships into the race.  The experiment involves their designs, one being of the throwback model popular this season, wherein the airship looks very much like a sea-going vessel.  The other is what Doctor Doppler says will be the next wave in airship technology, what he has termed a 'solar galleon.'  The good doctor tried to explain to me earlier how it worked, but I'm afraid it went a bit over my head."

"Considering how short you are froggie, I'd say most things go over your head!"

"Doh ho ho ho ho!"

"Now that is just plain out of—never mind.  Anyway, these two ships, Hispaniola and Legacy, have been fitted with very similar crews—some even have the same names!—in the hopes of showing once and for all which is the superior.  The Legacy is captained by one of our few female contestants, Captain Amelia, and the other is captained by Abraham Smollett, who also just happens to be this reporter's cousin.  Hi ho, Cousin Abraham!"

"Hi ho, Cousin Kermit!"

"Ye gods, Statler, they're multiplying!  Quickly, to the lifeboats!"

"Women and children first!"

"Forget the women and children, announcers first!"

The amphibious reporter had decided long ago that when the two old reprobates were concerned, it was best just to ignore their comments.  He didn't always remember that strategy, though, and always regretted it.  At this moment, he decided it best just to keep on with his report.

"Several new rivalries have stirred up since the last rally, including a three way one between Jack Sparrow—"

"Captain!"

"Captain Jack Sparrow of the Black Pearl, Captain Davy Jones of the Flying Dutchman, and Commodore James Norrington and his ship the Dauntless, which has been financed by the East India Trading Company.  Oh wait, I've been informed that there is also a fourth ship, The Empress, which once belonged to Sao Feng but now has come to one Elizabeth Swann-Turner.  Oh, and it seems Hector Barbossa, former first mate to Captain Jack, has joined forces with his former shipmate after a long and bitter feud parted them some years ago.  And there's also someone called Will Turner, husband to Captain Swann-Turner—or are they still together?  What's going on?  Wait, Norrington has a vendetta against both Sparrow and Turner, the latter of which stole Captain Swann-Turner away from him?  Seriously, who wrote this copy?  I can't make heads or tails of this, it's so convoluted.  Who exactly is working with whom here?"

If one listened closely they could hear a short but heated conversation between the green reporter and whoever had written up his fact sheet for him.  Realizing he was leaving the audience with dead air, he resumed his broadcast.

"These ships and captains mentioned are considered our forerunners, but one can never know what will happen at the rally.  We also have some amateur tinkerers and self-funded visionaries from all walks of life.  We even have a hatmaker this year!  The Mad Hatter himself, Reginald Hargreaves, along with his assistant Miss Alice Liddell, will be entering for the first time with their ship the Pleasance.  I must admit, their ship doesn't look like much against these leviathans, but Mr. Hargreaves assured this reporter that he and his co-pilot plan to surprise us all."

Something certainly surprised the reporter at that moment, as the signal sounded that the race was about to begin.  The rather high-pitched noise the reporter made was enough to send the two announcers to cackling gleefully again.

"Ah, yes.  That would be the cue for me to make my way to my own modest little ship Lilly Belle, where by wonderful new-fangled technology I will be keeping you loyal listeners abreast of the race as it goes along.  So good luck to all our racers, and as always, thank you to M3 industries for their generous sponsorship of the rally.  I don't know about all of you, but I hope this will be a very exciting race!"

There was no real doubt that it would be.  The rally was always exciting, even when one of the favorites to win took the prize, which they often did.  Though no one could have known just how far-reaching the impact of this particular rally would be.  And if they had, they probably wouldn't have believed it.

Too bad about that.  It would have saved a lot of pain and suffering (not to mention lives) if they had not only believed it, but prevented the outcome.  While there were good things that came of said outcome, in the end it was difficult to tell whether or not the joy outweighed the tragedy.